“Keep It Fair, Keep It Fair”

I always believed that the average American male (and most above average American females) quote at least one line from the movie “Caddyshack” at a minimum of once per day, every day.

Think about it.

It is so true.

One of my favorite lines from the movie was “Keep it fair, keep it fair!” declared by Rodney Dangerfield as he was bribing the golf referee. I’m not a golfer (or a gopher), but I do know many street artists are painfully aware that lousy judging is common and irritating in art fairs and festivals. It is not discussed for any particular length of time because the issue just cannot be resolved fairly and seems petty. Judging is shadowy and nebulus. Only the winners can effectively discuss the unfair or crooked or asinine judging at art shows and festivals – and they’re not talking. People that are on the short end of the stick know that they bring little to the table in solving the issue, so the issue lies there and festers show after show, year after year. Artists mumble and grumble in their Trimline’s and their EZ-UP’s while simultaneous hoping they win the most stacked lottery possible at the next show.

Many times many things are not discussed for many reasons even though the issue or concern is obvious to everyone in the room. The idiom for this dynamic is “the elephant in the room“. The idea is that everyone in the room is pretending the situation or problem does not exist even though it is hiding in plain sight. Some people are not concerned about the elephant, some are willing to marginally tolerate him if no one points him out, and some people are worried about what he will do to them if they notice him. In the end, the elephant is there in the room and he is quite obvious to everyone.

I have won a few awards at art festivals and shows. They were nice and I was grateful. I have never bribed a judge or attempted to manipulate a judge in any way – directly or indirectly as an artist or as a show committee member. I have heard (and also heard of) others (artists, judges, promoters) discuss how they have done so. I’d be willing to bet that many more artists have not manipulated judging than the ones that actually did do so. I’d also take book on many more artists not being judged fairly than the ones who were treated professionally.

My disdain for art show judging began several years ago at a particularly sub-par show in Lincoln, Nebraska. I was struggling to get set up by 10:00 am for the good people of Lincoln to grace me with their presence. My booth was close to the beginning of the show layout. When the clock struck 9:00 am, I turned to find a judge unzipping my booth wall and stepping into my booth with her clipboard and pen in hand. She admonished me for not being ready “to be judged” before I delicately and diplomatically escorted her out of my booth and advised her not to return.

Almost every show has some jaw-dropping anecdotal incident that is remembered by the artists that see the behavior – but it never really gets discussed because if the behavior is called out – it is almost certainly given the “sour grapes” response from fellow artists, award winners, judges, patrons, etc. The rationale is simple for most people: award winners believe the judging was fair, judges do not believe it was unfair, and everyone else is “just jealous” if they criticize. A friend of mine once won an award at a show known for fair judging. His response to the promoter? He looked at the show director and said: “Who am I going to hate now?”

After witnessing my fill of the nonsense again at a couple of art festivals last year, I made an administrative decision for me and my business. I no longer participate in judging at art fairs and art shows. I do not participate in the competition for awards and prizes at the shows. I inform the judges when they enter my booth that I am not participating and I would not like to be judged. It has been like a 800lbs gorilla has been lifted off my back!

I know that my critics will jump on me like the jackals they truly are if I continue to voice my opposition to such a, an – elephant in the room. I know several readers here are thinking: “Well, then great – don’t participate! Why make waves for us?” I think the answer is pretty obvious – like an elephant in the room. I got to thinking about that elephant. I was wondering what the elephant would say if he was given the opportunity to speak rather than just stand in the room. Maybe the message from the elephant in the room will carry more weight than I.

Let’s go see.

He’s named “JAAFFIREY” (Judging at Art Fairs Festivals is Ridiculous Every Year – pronounced “Jeffrey“). We’re going to call him “Buffy” because that’s his nickname and he prefers the more familiar term.

Buffy is neither an African or Asian elephant. Officially, he’s Jamaican. His parents came to Jamaica from Cuba after Castro and he came here from Jamaica. He wears his hair kind of long and slicks it back with Brylcreem and loves to wear Hawaiian shirts. He usually wears sunglasses and a fedora, unless he’s indoors. He takes them off inside because his parents raised him right. He still chain-smokes too – the lucky bastard. He’s looking forward to your visit. (Hey, you describe your elephant in the room your way, I’ll describe him mine.) He’s in the sunroom sitting at a small bistro table set – let’s peek in and see what he has to say.

“Buffy. Yeah, um, hi. The readers are here to see what you have to say.”

“Oh hi! – Hello everybody!” (waving to all the readers with his trunk)

“You sound nasal-y, do you have a cold?”

(Lighting a cigarette) “No, I don’t have a goddamn cold, I’m an elephant with a trunk. I always sound like this.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Fix me another mojito, and then go away. These readers came to hear from me.”

“No problem.”

“So, um, yeah. Hi readers – I’m the elephant in the room. I guess you could say that I’m the obvious problem that no one sees. Well, that’s true. In particular, I am the ridiculous judging that happens at art shows. I’m the judge that interrupts you while you are doing a sale or working with a customer. I’m the judge that wants you to explain your work, your artistic vision, your technique, and your philosophy with me for nearly a half hour. I’m the judge that sprints past your booth and checks you off on my clipboard. I’m the judge that walks into your booth with a damn sticker and doesn’t look right or left, doesn’t look at any work whatsoever – only looking for your namecard so the sticker will have a place to go. I am the judge that you have never met, never heard of, weren’t prepared for, and have no idea what my credentials may or may not be to judge work at an art show. I am the judge that walks around well after sunset and evaluates artwork in totally dark tents. I am the judge that is getting his ass chewed because some promoter or show VIP wants to make sure “their” artist wins the award. I’m the judge that gave all the awards to my friends/relatives/neighbors. I am the judge that gave all the awards to people from out of town. I’m the judge that was invited to participate in a semi-annual group showing by the winner’s critique group. I am the judge that got into the show being juried by my award-winner last month. I am the judge that never saw your booth and never judged your work because I already had my winners picked. I am the judge you never saw because I didn’t walk the show. I am the judge that did not introduce myself to you because I either don’t have the time, or I worry about the contempt you have for me, or I worry about the contempt I have for you. I am the the judge that always has an excuse and frequently bitches about having to judge so many artists and the artwork is so hard to judge and everyone’s a winner and so on and so forth – blah-blah-blah.”.

“Here’s your mojito, Buffy.”

“Excuse me a second folks, I need to taste Munks’ mojito – he’s been slipping lately.” (adjusting in his seat)

“Do you like it Buffy?”

“Buffy, why are you staring at me? Don’t you like it?”

Silence.

(Flicked his cigarette butt out in the yard.)

Silence.

“Oh for crying out loud Buffy! Here’s your dollar!”

“Thanks Munksie! Hey, great mojito! An award winner if I ever saw one!”

“Just finish Buffy – what can be done? What do we do to make the process at least a bit more fair and competitive? These readers don’t want their time wasted.”

“Take a hike pal, we’re doing fine here. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it folks? Eliminate the awards and lower the booth fees”

“We both know that won’t happen!”

“Well, the awards may be eliminated, but the booth fees are here to stay, baby!” (lighting a cigarette)

“Anything else?”

“Eliminate all the losers. (smoke drifting over his trunk) Just give everyone their split of the prize money evenly divided amongst all the artists.”

“That will never fly, Buffy!”

“Sure it will! It’ll be great for their self-esteem. We’ll also give everyone an participation medal . . . and then we can . . . oh hell, I can’t even go on . . . everyone knows this won’t work!”

“Works for the 4-H’ers”

“No it doesn’t! and it didn’t work for Stalin, or Castro either! I’m an obvious elephant in the room, but I’m not an idiot!”

“Aren’t there any other options, then, Mr. Obvious Elephant in the Room?”

“You’re still here, eh? Well anyway, outside of stopping the practice – the only thing that would really be fair to all the artists – is to have a committee of judges walking together throughout the entire process. The idea is that sunshine is the best damn disinfectant there is and it would be more obvious if an artist or a promoter tried to sway a judge inappropriately. It would also help balance inept judging.”

“Lots of holes in that option!”

“Then obviously we would have to rely on the judges’ reputations. Names and credentials should be made public well before and after the show. Sure this option is not foolproof, but remember – it was never meant to be.”

“I don’t think you’ll get the shows and festivals, the artists, or the judges to do this, Buffy.”

“How obvious can I be? The best way to handle judging that is either corrupt, incompetent, or unfair is to just not participate. No stress and the focus stays on working with the patrons – where it belongs. Give them back their silly awards and be artists!”

“It shouldn’t have to be that way.”

“You’re right, but it IS that way, life is just not fair – rise above it . . .hey, where’s my chair!” (disheveled and sprawled on the ground holding his cocktail and cigarette)

“I wrote it out. Writers do these things – just be glad I wasn’t painting you. Thank you for sharing your perspective as the elephant in the room. You sent the message better than I ever could have, Buffy!”

“You’re a real prize, you know that?” (flapping his ears and dusting himself off)

“Keep it fair, keep it fair.”
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