“It’s Only Halloween. . .”
October 25, 2010
The “Witch of November” will probably blast through early this year.
It’s autumn and still kind of warm out, but you can feel the weather patterns changing. Tonight, the misty rain will ease some allergies and is a precursor to the snow that will soon mystify practically everyone that lives in Des Moines, Iowa. It does every year. The first snowfall sometimes comes in November – usually in December, but sometimes November. When it does arrive, the whole town loses it’s mind and acts like snow is about as common here as it is in Miami. Until then, students are settling into the school routine, basketball is starting to kick in, college football is getting interesting, and Halloween will be here in a few days.
It’s only Halloween.
Probably the most worthless holiday on the calendar. Put your kids in a costume they don’t like, take pictures of them because they look soooooo cute, and then parade them out to ring the doorbells of complete strangers (i.e. “your neighbors”) and have them yell “Trick or Treat” until they give your kid a piece of candy or maybe an apple laced with a razor or maybe LSD. Then have the little monsters come back home and overeat their stash until they throw up all over their Fred Flintstone costume – that is, if their shopping bag of candy is not snatched away by some non-costumed, pre-adolescent, Al-Qaida wannabe’s who will retreat down to their basement lairs to enjoy their razor blade apples, bask in their high fructose corn syrup buzz, and laugh at tales of how they stole all that candy from all the little goblins and witches. Is there a more worthless holiday?
Halloween was always meant to be the night before All Saints’ Day. November 1st on the Church’s calendar every year. A day later on November 2nd – the Church prays for all souls. These feasts were a huge party for people in the early Church. Makes sense. Autumn was the perfect time of year for big celebrations in the Dark Ages because food was usually still plentiful from the fall harvest and consequently many people enjoyed the event. Kind of hard to have a good soiree in March after a long winter and nothing to eat. The night before November 1st was designated “All Hallow’s Eve” – probably stemming from old Celtic traditions of wandering souls manifesting themselves in the bodies of other creatures and things. The early Church was very good at incorporating pagan holidays into religious feasts. This pagan event was no exception. Later, the old celebration probably evolved or was bastardized into Halloween from “Hallow’s Eve” and later “Hallowe’en”. Nonetheless, we all know the story. Tradition indicated that all the tormented souls walk the earth the night of October 31 – (one night before the religious holiday) dressed as Spongebob Squarepants, Richard Nixon, John C. Holmes – or whatever – before they are supposedly prayed for by all of us the next couple of days. This timing element and sequence of events are keys to making sure the tradition follows some chain of logic.
Celebrating feasts for all saints and all souls seems to be a pretty noble and solemn endeavor. Halloween? I suppose it does keep the candy stores, covens, broom factories, costume-makers, drug dealers, and razor blade companies busy – but Halloween does sit on a pretty low rung of the ladder of holidays. It’s just above Columbus Day and right below Arbor Day. I know there are plenty of Dads every Halloween night standing out in the rain while smoking a cigar and watching their kid trip over the neighbors’ flower pots before they try to figure out a way to suggest working a path back home to check the candy for all the drugs and razors. All without detonating a tantrum on a dark city street every October 31st. Yep. Happy Halloween. (Always carry more matches with you because the rain will put the cigar out and the kids never want to go home when you first suggest it.)
It’s a weird holiday. Not as weird as Black Friday or Presidents’ Day, but still pretty odd. Pretty worthless. They don’t have Halloween here. Not in Des Moines. They have something that makes less sense and has nothing to do with the story or the tradition . . . “Beggars’ Night“
Rather than letting all the little ghouls terrorize their neighbors for a few hours on Halloween night (October 31st) – by yelling “Trick or Treat” at some poor slobs until they give up their fun size bars – each little hamlet and suburb in the Des Moines metropolitan area designates a night to be Beggars’ Night. Usually on October 30th, unless that falls on a Sunday or a Wednesday when the little goblins should be either in church on Sunday or at Wednesday night religious education rather than looking for something to rot their teeth with while running around dressed as a ballerina or a serial killer, or a candidate for governor. On those particular years when Beggars’ Night falls on a Sunday or Wednesday, the date usually gets set back by somebody to a day even earlier than the 30th. Making even less sense. In Des Moines, they have Halloween a day earlier, but they don’t call it Halloween. So actually they don’t have Halloween, because on Halloween nothing is going on here because they didn’t have Halloween on the 30th – they had . . . Beggars’ Night.
Yogi Berra would have a blast with this stuff.
The first time I was exposed to Beggars’ Night – I did not believe it. It sounded too asinine, too trivial. Locals and townies just shrug their shoulders and dismiss it as “the way it’s always been”. (That’s a very common saying here in Des Moines – more common than “I dunno.”, “warshing machine”, and “Huh?”.)
Apparently some Parks and Recreation chick in Des Moines during the 1930′s felt kids should not be Trick or Treating on Halloween night because it was conduct unbecoming a moral child to be out threatening decent folk with vandalism or some other violent act – (aka the “Trick”), unless they receive some kind of extortion – (aka “the Treat”). Her thinking apparently was such that even though it was a simple enough process – quick and efficient, good business – it was somehow immoral and flawed. The same model was working well for Capone during the same decade, but this nosy city official felt the city’s decent children should earn their treat rather than threatening some sort of malfeasance in order to get their candy. Somehow this busybody managed to sell the idea to the decision makers in Des Moines and thus we have the really, really odd tradition of children walking around the day BEFORE Halloween knocking on doors in Halloween costumes, yelling “Trick or Treat” and then, telling some lame riddle to whoever answers the door as a means of somehow earning their Tootsie-Roll and staying within the parameters of the city code. A cityful of pint-sized Henny Youngman’s following the rules. That’s just great.
The catalysts that apparently led this Depression-era bureaucrat to somehow manage to transform the entire idea of Halloween into some half-assed imitation of an already lame holiday were reports that many acts of violence and mayhem were occurring in Des Moines on Halloween nights during the Great Depression. She felt the children needed to be protected from such potential hazards and contrary mayhem by the adolescent hooligans, vagrants, and arsonists of the day.
Today, almost all of the Halloween spawned criminals who were engaging in sociopathic behavior over 70 years ago in Des Moines may have either moved away, been incarcerated, changed their evil ways, benefited from therapy, went underground, became parents themselves, or even died. Those that are still living probably cannot go far without a backpack of full of Depends and a six-pack of Ensure – making them very easy to spot when among the general population. Do the math. Those ne’er-do-wells are probably well over 80 or 85 years old now and would pose a minimal threat to children on Halloween even if they got far on any given Halloween night. Anything can happen anytime I suppose – but I would call this one an acceptable risk.
If Des Moines insists on such archaic thinking – and we have no reason to think otherwise – I have some thoughts that may help make this Beggars’ Night thing make more sense. I am not holding my breath – this town has a long history of curmedgeons pulling strings and levers behind the curtain. Nonetheless, here are a few ideas:
- Celebrate New Year’s Day on December 30th and call it “Year’s End Eve” so that there will be no problems on New Year’s Eve and people will start the new year sooner.
- “Heart Day” on February 15th instead of Valentine’s Day on the 14th. That way all the cards sent too late to arrive on Valentine’s Day will still arrive on “Heart Day”.
- As a nation we’ve already screwed with Lincoln and Washington’s birthdays – now they’re called Presidents’ Day and no one cares anyway. Unless you work for the Post Office or a bank. Des Moines could be a trendsetter and bring back the two presidential birthdays.
- Have “Alcohol-Free Everyone’s Irish Day” on the day before St. Patrick’s Day so non-Irish will not be offended or feel a need to act Irish.
- Not even Des Moines will screw with Mothers’ Day.
- Let’s set up “Bunny Day” for the Monday after Easter so that we’ll get a 3 day weekend after Good Friday, Holy Thursday, and So-So Wednesday. That way children won’t get mugged by six-foot rabbits while on “Bunny Day” hunts for bunny eggs.
- Can we have a “Grilling Day” the day before Memorial Day so that fewer people will fire up their grills on Memorial Day and thus contributing to a reduction in global warming or “climate change”?
- Fathers’ Day – too confusing as it stands – just move it to any day and call it whatever you want.
- If we have “Fireworks Day” on July 3rd – it’s obvious that there will not be as many fireworks-related accidents on the 4th of July.
- I wonder if the Friday before Labor Day can be declared “Union Day” so that the management staff of companies that use union labor may have a 4 day weekend.
- Columbus Day? Make that “European Invader Day” and schedule it for the day before. Justify it by saying he didn’t set his watch correctly when he left Spain. No one remembers what day Columbus Day falls on anyway, so it’s a moot point.
- Thanksgiving Day would be less hassle if we made the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, “Being Appreciative Day”. That way it won’t take so long for the turkey to cook and the relatives will leave a day earlier.
- How about “Santa Claus Day” on December 23rd and forget Christmas which can be one of the most busy holidays of the year for most peace officers and rescue squads? That would eliminate family arguments and feuds on Christmas and put half the social workers in the city out of work.
It’s been over 70 years now, – let’s put Halloween back where it belongs.
Let the little waifs yell “Trick or Treat” and get their candy on the right day. If the little princesses and vampires start threatening to set the old guy down the block’s Buick on fire if they don’t get their candy, then let’s handle that on a case-by-case basis – shall we?
Maybe this example of “it’s the way it’s always been” was an over-reaction and never right to begin with. Not unlike the razors and the drugs in the candy. Just too much drama.
It’s only Halloween.
Bravo!
Now I know why you are such an enigma. Did you grow up in Des Moines and never have the pleasure of trick or treating? Your mother didn’t stay home to feed the little goblins while your father walked you from house to house and then took you and your ‘take’ to the local police department to have your goodies run through the metal detector? Honey, are you really an American? This is truly un-American, now it is time for a full-on commie witch hunt. I never would have thought Des Moines would be harboring this political philosophy.
My own children grew up in Detroit, where during the 70′s, 80′s and into the 90′s all hell broke loose on “Devils’ Night” (October 30) and the city was set on fire. This has me musing: Des Moines=Beggar’s Night, Detroit=Devil’s Night. That’s a little too much sanitation in Des Moines for me.
How about the day before Memorial Day becoming Driving Safely Day so the Memorial Day Weekend statistics would be better?
I didn’t grow up in Des Moines, I think that may be my difficulty in understanding the way they do some things here.
and…wasn’t Des Moines one of the cities at the heart of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections?